Saturday, July 01, 2006

The Rant: Kevin Federline- Kill Yourself!

By Clint Fletcher

Ladies and gentlemen, it is time. After months of bashing in my Short Takes column, it is now time to get into the meat of my complete and utter hatred for the stupid wigger known as Kevin Federline.

Kevin Federline, you should KILL YOURSELF. And I don’t mean “oh haha I don’t like you so I’m saying you should kill yourself but I don’t really mean it.” I mean you should take that gun you have (you’re a “rapper” so I’m sure you have one), put it in your mouth… and blow your fucking brains out. You are the most worthless piece of shit that God has ever created. You make retards look like Pulitzer Prize winners. But worst of all…. You made Britney Spears fat.

How in the holy fuck did all of this happen? Why did she marry him again? Was it all some evil joke? Is it all a publicity stunt? It just makes no sense. Now that they screwed and have already produced two children, even if Federline did kill himself (or better yet, someone assassinate him) there will still be two evil spawns lurking the Earth to carry on the Douchebag Legacy that will affect my children and my children’s children. They will both be white rappers yet no one will ever hear their music. They will find young, hot musicians to impregnate and marry, only later to ruin their image and career so they can divorce and steal all their money. The Empire grows. The legacy continues. I hate to say it… but do you know who we need? The DC Sniper! Somebody let that dude out of jail for one last mission. I’m sure he could get past the Spears security in the blink of an eye! Although I fear that his head may be too big to fit through the sniper-scope. We’re going to fry the sniper dude anyway, can’t we work out something where Federline goes down with him? The DC Sniper was sick and tired of all the fucking douchebags walking the Earth so he decided to start offing people, but the problem was he never did any research on who he shot. Sadly, he shot mostly random good people and it was a sad story. He obviously missed his true mark since Federline still walks the planet.

But seriously, I ask you…. what is this fucking waste of life good for? He can’t sing for shit, he doesn’t have a courteous bone in his body, and if he ever left his LA safe-zone he would get the total shit kicked out of him by every black dude on the planet. He doesn’t even attempt to not look like a scum bag, he wears clothes that fit Rueben Studdard, and he goes clubbing every night and fucks God knows how many people while clueless Britney stays home and watches her nanny raise the babies. Not to mention he’s rude to EVERY single living organism he comes into contact with… even cute little bunnies. He spits on cute little bunnies and flicks cigarette butts at them. Its just a shame. I heard that he signed a pre-nup that only allows him $25 grand for every year that they were married if they do divorce. I’m sure with his custom-made backwards hats and the pounds upon pounds of cocaine he sniffs that the money would be gone in a month, so at least we don’t have to worry about him being rich. But what if he shoots Britney first? Then would he get all of it? I’m sure she has Dumb Bitch Life Insurance, which is A LOT of money. These are all reasons why Federline should off himself and fast.

And what is all this about Britney wanting to keep her family together? What the hell kind of family are you talking about and what kind of image are you trying to save? You are now fat and you already were white trash, its just now you’re fat and white trash. You married a white trash husband who is using your money to try and cross 8 mile with no talent. You’re a stupid musician who never could sing. You were only famous because you were a hot dancer but the hot is no more. And we all know you guys are getting divorced anyway, even if Federline were a good guy. This is just what happens in Hollywood. Perhaps maybe you did it to gain publicity? Too bad your husband has stolen the white trash spotlight from you. Although I will say he makes you look like a wholesome virgin again while standing next to you. That wasn’t a compliment. I’m just shocked you found the only person in the world that would make you look wholesome. So that’s why you married him!!!

But most importantly… the paparazzi need to stay the hell away from this dude. The paparazzi are evil, and as evil and powerful as Kevin Federline is, he will do nothing but feed off the press and grow stronger. If the latest remake of The Omen taught us anything, its that the Anti-Christ will seek a position fame and power. This could be Federline now, or it could be his son. Even more reason to kill his sorry ass. Then I could go back to reading about Paris Hilton. Then the world will be safe forever once we find a way to kill her too.


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