Monday, November 06, 2006

The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause

by Clint Fletcher

Oh how I wish there was some kind of escape clause for this flaming piece of shit. World-renowned scholars wouldn’t be able to describe how hard this movie blew. And do you know how bad you have to fuck up a Christmas movie for me to hate it?

The movie stars two comedians who haven’t been funny in ten years. Tim Allen must suck a mean dick because the man still gets his horrendous projects green-lit. To tell you the truth, I really dug the first two Santa Clause movies. Much like the Pixar flicks, the writers managed to make two family holiday movies with a little something for both kids and adults to enjoy. The second flick got a little more childish, but there was the cutesy love story for adults. This is part 3’s biggest flaw- its all kiddie games this time around. If you think that reindeer farts are funny, then this is your dream come true. This movie was written for five year-olds and quite possibly written BY five years olds as well. There is very little excitement on the screen and very few laughs to be had if you’re old enough to pee in the toilet.

Tim Allen stars as Scott Calvin, aka Santa Claus (duh!). After impregnating Mrs. Claus (why couldn’t that scene be in the movie?), Scott has the in-laws flown up to the North Pole for emotional support when the baby arrives. But guess what? The baby is due on Christmas Eve! Didn’t see that coming you fucking cliché idiots! Anyway, apparently there’s a rule that Scott can’t let anyone outside of his immediate family know the truth about who he really is and about the North Pole. So the elves get together and disguise the joint as a small Canadian town. Forget that they’re all midgets. Forget that everything is Christmas-themed. Forget that everyone works in a gigantic toy factory. Forget that Calvin looks like Santa Claus. Because apparently the in-laws were fooled pretty darn well! What great writing this is! Eat shit and die.

This movie also has some false advertising going on. The trailers make it out to look like Jack Frost (the dreadfully unfunny Martin Short) is on a mission to become the new Santa. While this is the case, this plot line only takes place for twenty minutes of the film. During this time, Frost tricks Scott into using “the escape clause” in which he is sent through a portal to where he would be now if he had never became Santa. These twenty minutes are the only entertaining moments of the movie as Scott witnesses what his life would be like if the events in the first movie had never taken place. He’s estranged from his son. His wife is nowhere to be found. His ex-wife and Neil are divorced and depressed. And worse off, Frost (now the new Santa) has turned the North Pole into a tourist attraction. These brief events are what the whole movie should’ve been about. That’s what the trailers advertised anyway, and it would’ve been a much more entertaining movie had this been the major plot instead of the ridiculous in-laws shit.

Anywho, there is one redeeming quality of humor in the form of Judge Reinhold. I always dug his character Neil and the type of comedy he brought to the first two flicks. Though a bit forced at times, Reinhold hits his mark well, especially when his character gets to visit the north pole. And kudos to the producers for getting ALL the actors back from the first two flicks. These three films put together have 12 years in between them, and it must’ve been a hell of a job talking everybody into coming back. Waitaminute… all these actors are doing jack shit. I bet even Reinhold just sits at home waiting for them to call him for another Santa Clause movie. And how in the holy hell did they get Ann Margret and Alan Arkin to sign on to this script??? That must’ve been one hell of a paycheck they cashed.

Besides Judge Reinhold and a somewhat entertaining third act, The Santa Clause 3 misses the mark in all aspects of filmmaking. Even for a kiddie movie its an extremely weak and lifeless script, giving us a film that is destined to go down in flames with other shit-storms as Christmas with the Kranks and Jingle all the Way. I hope the real Santa takes a big nasty dump in the producers’ stockings this Christmas. Then perhaps they’ll get a whiff of their own product.