Saturday, July 01, 2006

The Rant: Kevin Federline- Kill Yourself!

By Clint Fletcher

Ladies and gentlemen, it is time. After months of bashing in my Short Takes column, it is now time to get into the meat of my complete and utter hatred for the stupid wigger known as Kevin Federline.

Kevin Federline, you should KILL YOURSELF. And I don’t mean “oh haha I don’t like you so I’m saying you should kill yourself but I don’t really mean it.” I mean you should take that gun you have (you’re a “rapper” so I’m sure you have one), put it in your mouth… and blow your fucking brains out. You are the most worthless piece of shit that God has ever created. You make retards look like Pulitzer Prize winners. But worst of all…. You made Britney Spears fat.

How in the holy fuck did all of this happen? Why did she marry him again? Was it all some evil joke? Is it all a publicity stunt? It just makes no sense. Now that they screwed and have already produced two children, even if Federline did kill himself (or better yet, someone assassinate him) there will still be two evil spawns lurking the Earth to carry on the Douchebag Legacy that will affect my children and my children’s children. They will both be white rappers yet no one will ever hear their music. They will find young, hot musicians to impregnate and marry, only later to ruin their image and career so they can divorce and steal all their money. The Empire grows. The legacy continues. I hate to say it… but do you know who we need? The DC Sniper! Somebody let that dude out of jail for one last mission. I’m sure he could get past the Spears security in the blink of an eye! Although I fear that his head may be too big to fit through the sniper-scope. We’re going to fry the sniper dude anyway, can’t we work out something where Federline goes down with him? The DC Sniper was sick and tired of all the fucking douchebags walking the Earth so he decided to start offing people, but the problem was he never did any research on who he shot. Sadly, he shot mostly random good people and it was a sad story. He obviously missed his true mark since Federline still walks the planet.

But seriously, I ask you…. what is this fucking waste of life good for? He can’t sing for shit, he doesn’t have a courteous bone in his body, and if he ever left his LA safe-zone he would get the total shit kicked out of him by every black dude on the planet. He doesn’t even attempt to not look like a scum bag, he wears clothes that fit Rueben Studdard, and he goes clubbing every night and fucks God knows how many people while clueless Britney stays home and watches her nanny raise the babies. Not to mention he’s rude to EVERY single living organism he comes into contact with… even cute little bunnies. He spits on cute little bunnies and flicks cigarette butts at them. Its just a shame. I heard that he signed a pre-nup that only allows him $25 grand for every year that they were married if they do divorce. I’m sure with his custom-made backwards hats and the pounds upon pounds of cocaine he sniffs that the money would be gone in a month, so at least we don’t have to worry about him being rich. But what if he shoots Britney first? Then would he get all of it? I’m sure she has Dumb Bitch Life Insurance, which is A LOT of money. These are all reasons why Federline should off himself and fast.

And what is all this about Britney wanting to keep her family together? What the hell kind of family are you talking about and what kind of image are you trying to save? You are now fat and you already were white trash, its just now you’re fat and white trash. You married a white trash husband who is using your money to try and cross 8 mile with no talent. You’re a stupid musician who never could sing. You were only famous because you were a hot dancer but the hot is no more. And we all know you guys are getting divorced anyway, even if Federline were a good guy. This is just what happens in Hollywood. Perhaps maybe you did it to gain publicity? Too bad your husband has stolen the white trash spotlight from you. Although I will say he makes you look like a wholesome virgin again while standing next to you. That wasn’t a compliment. I’m just shocked you found the only person in the world that would make you look wholesome. So that’s why you married him!!!

But most importantly… the paparazzi need to stay the hell away from this dude. The paparazzi are evil, and as evil and powerful as Kevin Federline is, he will do nothing but feed off the press and grow stronger. If the latest remake of The Omen taught us anything, its that the Anti-Christ will seek a position fame and power. This could be Federline now, or it could be his son. Even more reason to kill his sorry ass. Then I could go back to reading about Paris Hilton. Then the world will be safe forever once we find a way to kill her too.

Short Takes- July 2006

By Clint Fletcher

Blade: The Series, a watered down version of the popular films (based on a comic no one read) premiered on Spike TV Wednesday night with surprisingly high numbers. The 2-hour premiere pulled in 2.5 million viewers which sets the record for highest rated series ever for the network. Its also the ONLY Spike TV series ever. I guess that helps with things doesn’t it? In other ratings news, TNT’s season premiere of The Closer received the highest ratings EVER for a single basic cable episode. This past weekend it also got an early renewal by the network for a third season. Slow down, guys. Let’s not put too much pressure on the producers. Just look at The OC.

Speaking of which, die-hard fans of The OC will be disappointed to hear that Fox has only ordered 16 episodes for a fourth season of the teen drama. Why is this a big deal? Most television seasons for a main network average at 22 episodes per season. The O.C. actually averages 25 episodes per season. Cutting the upcoming season almost in half is a bad sign for the show… things don’t look good for a fifth season. This could be due to the fact that the powerhouse hit Grey’s Anatomy is getting moved to Thursday nights competing in its time slot, or it could be because everyone realizes the actors are 30 year-olds playing teenagers. And just when that stupid bitch Marissa died…

I must give a special RIP shout-out to television producer Aaron Spelling. He was a really old dude that gave us the classics such as Starsky and Hutch, The Love Boat, Dynasty, Melrose Place, Beverly Hills 90210 and any other show involving an “evil twin” plot line. I was kind of hoping Tori Spelling would shut the fuck up sometime this century since she’s no longer famous (or never really was), but now with the death of her dad she now has a good excuse for more interviews. In a recent poll at, viewers were asked to vote for their favorite Summer series. In the lead is Dead Zone on USA, and close runners’ up are Entourage and Rescue Me. Gee, I didn’t even know USA still existed. And I didn’t know anyone watched Dead Zone. And I didn’t know that was Anthony Michael Hall from The Breakfast Club…glad to see he didn’t kill himself with the rest of the 80’s child stars. Rehab works wonders, folks.


Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban finally tied the knot this week. Word on the street is that she made him sign a pre-nup, which stated there would be an automatic divorce if Urban were to turn into a dirty, drug-using hippie again. At least he’s not gay like her last husband, she should be thankful for that. Eminem did a surprise performance with Busta Rhymes at the BET Awards last week. This has sparked many rumors of a comeback from the extremely white rapper. But, in a statement released this weekend, Eminem still has no plans to record a new album anytime soon. Although he did mention that he’s looking to make a new movie… a big screen remake of the TV series Have Gun- Will Travel as a bounty hunter. Well of course you have a gun and are willing to travel dude… you’re a rapper. The film’s title will soon appropriately be changed to “Have Gun- Will Travel Across 8 Mile Mothafuckas.”

Well pot-heads, its official. Rolling Stone guitarist Keith Richards WILL be playing Jack Sparrow’s father in next year’s third installment of Pirates of the Caribbean. At a press conference last week, Johnny Depp had this to say: “I told them they had to cast Richards because he’s my dealer. He always knows where to find the good shit.” Speaking of drugs, Bow Wow is reportedly starting a VERY early retirement after his next album to focus on his acting career. That’s a smart move. He really does need to concentrate more with his roles in 4 Fast 4 Furious and Waist Deep 2: Waist Deep in Dogg Shit. And Kevin Richardson (who?) has now quit the Backstreet Boys for good. He claims that he would like to focus on “other interests” like sucking cock full time. Wow… without Kevin it looks like the Backstreet Boys may be feeling a little… Incomplete. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Apparently Paris Hilton is looking to give up her partying days to focus on her music. In a statement last week she had this to say- "Just because my last name's Hilton and I come from this family, it doesn't mean I can't be talented or know music or know what I'm doing." No, I did not add that myself. That was a real statement and the bitch really is that stupid. And now comes the part where I usually unleash on how we can rid the world of Paris Hilton, but God bless technology. Now I can just tell you to go here-


The MTV Movie Awards premiered June 8 with a weak-ass hosting job by brainless, talent-less Jessica Alba. But God bless technology, now I can just tell you to go here-

It is confirmed- James Cameron has officially lost his mind. Since he hasn’t made a movie in the past ten years and has no audience to speak to, he hopped on over to Disney Land for the premiere of Pirates 2. There he could be found shooting his mouth off about his new projects to anyone that would listen. According to King of the Assholes, he has two sci-fi trilogies in the works and he plans to direct all six of these films. Both of them are whacked out ideas and only the geekiest of nerds would enjoy them. Somehow I don’t see Cameron being the success he used to be. Maybe its because he’s getting old and anything he says is like listening to George Lucas plan future projects. “But… you’re going to die soon. How is this happening?”.

Listen up, pot-heads. I have another story for you. Harold and Kumar Go To Amsterdam is coming to a theater near you in 2007. This comes directly from the two leads, um… the Indian dude and the Chinese dude. Speaking of flicks in 2007, the Spidey 3 teaser is now up on the web (pun intended) and it looks mighty fine. I think the comic book geek/virgins might get their juicy Venom goodness they’ve been hoping for after all. This is also reportedly the last Spidey outing for both Tobey Maguire and Kirsten Dunst. Though Sam Raimi has expressed interest in staying on through five more Spidey films. FIVE! Well, at least James Franco and Bruce Campbell will still be available.

In other comic news, buzz on the Wolverine spin-off is firing up with word that production is starting soon and they may even aim for a late 2007 release date. The current draft of the script (reviews can be found on the net) features many other villains from the X-Men universe, including a young Sabertooth. And this just came in- I’m never having sex again. Thanks to The Favs (aka Jon Favreau), Iron Man has snagged the first weekend in May of 2008 for a release date. Virgins everywhere, rejoice. In other news, Rob Zombie has been tapped to direct the remake of Halloween. Apparently they want to turn the long-dead Halloween franchise into an even bigger piece of shit franchise by handing over the reigns to a man that made the two most bizarre films in horror history. In a statement a few weeks ago, Zombie said “its not a remake, but more of a re-imagining. Well, it has a little bit from the original so I guess parts of it are a remake. And I’m a crazy fuck who doesn’t know what he’s talking about.” While we’re at it, let’s hand over a Hellraiser remake to Bow Wow.

The Break-Up and Cars soar as The Omen and The Lake House (aka Speed 3) under-perform. The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift continues to hold in the top ten thanks mostly to a boost from Vin Diesel and his 5 minute cameo. Oh and Bow Wow’s in it too- the movie that made him a big enough star to quit rapping. Click opened big, proving audiences still click with Adam Sandler (I’m so funny!) and Superman Returns is opening big this weekend. God knows if it will make back its $250 million budget. Do you know how many cars Bow Wow could supe up with that kind of cash? Wow. Bow Wow. Happy 4th bitches!