Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Short Takes- August 2006

By Clint Fletcher


The Emmy nominees were announced last week. Leading the pack are fan favorites 24 and Grey’s Anatomy. Both Lost and Desperate Housewives- who have dominated the Emmys for the past two years- were both shut out of all major awards. Not ONE stupid whore from Housewives got nominated. Could this mean I’m actually going to enjoy the Emmys this year without seeing a drunken Teri Hatcher trip over her own saggy boobs? Speaking of Desperate, the day after the show discovered they were shut out, producers released a statement saying that the next season is going to be much better than the previous yawn-fest. They even mentioned that there is an upcoming episode involving a hostage situation where one of the main characters is killed off. If its anything like Survivor, the most annoying will be the one voted off… this could be the most difficult decision in the history of man.

ER has a new retarded plan to boost ratings this year- they’re splitting their season in half. The first half will be shown from September-Christmas with consecutive episodes, then they will return in April to finish out the season, making way for a new shitty show to take its place in between. But Uncle Jesse has joined the cast so they’ve already lost their core viewers. Kevin Bacon is lined up to direct the season finale of The Closer, as he is Kevin Fucking Bacon and he can do whatever he wants. This will be the eighth time he’s worked with his wife (star Kyra Sedgwick) and the third time where Bacon directs her. Unless they’re counting the bedroom where he has directed her to choke on his bacon more times than anyone can count.

Star Jones is leaving The View, leaving some much-needed weight support on the stage for Rosie O’Donnell. I never really found Star Jones to be all that famous, yet where-ever I turn I see her in the news. Why? Listen honey, people don’t care what you have to say anymore than we do the Housewives girls. You may be a lawyer, but you’re also fat. Wait a minute, you had all those surgeries and now you’re skinny, right? I liked you better when you were blocking the sun. At least then you would make the front page of Weight Watchers Magazine. Happy eatings you shriveled prune!

On the opposite end of the spectrum, anorexic whores Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie, who have somehow managed to stay on the same show while ignoring each other, have decided to make amends publicly on Letterman in September. After a ten minute make-out session, they will compare anorexic stomachs on live television as Paul Shaffer will be the only one spared of this horrific event (he’s blind right?). Meanwhile, Letterman will just stand there laughing with his old self while silently figuring out how he’s going to stay alive until his son’s pre-school graduation.


Lance Bass is gay. What a shocker. A member of a boy-band… gay? MADNESS! I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again- the most popular boy-band on the planet has yet to be discovered. The first time five guys get together and openly admit that they’re gay and blow each other on a regular basis, THAT will be the most successful boy-band of all time. Hell, they could even have a catchy name like- Circle Jerk. This is why the Backstreet Boys are still in the closet- they only bang each other. But after Ellen, when your career is going down the shitter all you have to do is tell the world that you’re gay and you’re back on top… of men. Come on, now. His name is LANCE people and his last name has ASS in it.

MTV turned 25 yesterday marking its 10th year of running a music-less network. According to the company, Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” is still the most-watched video of network history, probably because it’s the only video where he’s still black. Kid Rock and Pamela Anderson kicked off the first stage of their White Trash Wedding Tour this week. Their plan is to marry four times in four different locations, starting on a yacht. And we all know what happens when Pam gets drunk on a yacht. Bad things happen- like Tommy Lee’s kids.

While we’re talking about the skankiest sluts imaginable, Carmen Elektra is divorcing rocker-husband Dave Navarro. Didn’t see that one coming at all. They were my rock in Hollywood, that true couple that I really expected to make it. How is Carmen Elektra still famous again? Does she have a television show that no one knows about? Speaking of break-ups, Prince filed for divorce from his second wife this week. And get this- the blatant homosexual singer has DENIED being married to her for nearly the past decade. I guess the cat’s out of the bag now you crazy fruit you. Hey Prince… Lance Bass is single.


Pirates of the Caribbean became the biggest movie opener of all-time and Lady in the Water became Shyamalan’s biggest flop of all-time. You mean Paul Giamatti can’t sell a movie? Just look at Sideways and its $800 opening. Colin Farrell’s stalker takes things to a whole new level by charging the stage during a taping of Leno. Apparently she was trying to serve him court papers- AGAIN. The woman had attempted to sue him for stalking her via phone calls and emails last year and now she’s at it again. Yet when you go to this woman’s website you’ll find that she’s written a book on Farrell and even created an alcoholic drink named after him. Hey crazy lady- Prince is single.

Warner Brothers announced yesterday that Heath Ledger will be playing the Joker in the upcoming sequel to Batman Begins. They also released the official title- “The Dark Knight.” I was shocked. I was rooting for “Brokeback Batman.” Catchy, yeah? In other superhero news, with all the excitement of Aquaman on the fictional television show Entourage, life may soon be imitating art. The show has James Cameron directing a big budget Aquaman movie with fictional character Vincent Chase as the star. But with all the buzz going around and the fact that the recently released Aquaman pilot became the most watched event on You Tube ever, rumors are all over the place that a big budget movie is on the way. The best rumor yet is James Cameron contacting Mark Wahlberg (show creator) and saying “why don’t we really do an Aquaman?” Sure, everyone forget the fact that Aquaman would make a shitty movie and that Cameron lost his mind a long time ago. Although, anything to do with putting gay men under water really floats Cameron’s boat. Perhaps it will really happen.

While we’re on the subject of directors losing their minds, Mel Gibson was arrested for a DUI last week. No big deal, right? Actors get DUI’s all the time. But then Mr. Gibson just had to release a long statement claiming he’s been an alcoholic for a while and that he’s hanging on by a thread. Gee Mel, the whole thing would’ve blown over if you had just held back. Eager to get back on the front page, are we? Throwing fuel into the fire, the police released their official statement to the public on the incident. It states that Gibson shouted tons of anti-Semitic and sexist remarks in a drunken rant such as “the Jews are responsible for all the problems in the world” and calling a female officer “sugar tits.” I don’t know about you guys but I think Mel Gibson is my new hero.

The Rant- Leave 9/11 Movies Alone

by Clint Fletcher

On September 11, 2001, our nation suffered the worst terrorist attack ever to take place on U.S. soil. To this day, the event is discussed through our media via news channels, television shows, radio shows, music, and now film. This is a touchy subject to say the least, but it is a subject that we will never be able to escape for years to come. Over the past few months, the newest topic up for discussion has been the 9/11 films, particularly the theatrical flicks- United 93 and the upcoming World Trade Center. Many are protesting these films, saying America is not ready for a 9/11 movie. To these people that are protesting, I’m hear to say SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GO HOME.

When, in the history of film, has a studio picture ever been halted due to a large group of protestors and backlash? Let me enlighten you- its never happened. Sure, there are flicks that have been made and got thrown on the shelf because they couldn’t get past the MPAA or for some type of law suit or what have you, but this is getting out of hand. Do these protestors honestly think that they’re going to stop the release of a multi-million dollar studio picture? HELL NO. You people are wasting your precious time and energy on a lost cause. I sympathize with everyone that lost a friend or relative on that horrible day, I really, really do. But attempting to stop a major motion picture by drastic measures isn’t going to help anyone. And furthermore, in the case of United 93, you’re attempting to stop a picture that is trying to HONOR the memory of your loved ones. Now, of course I understand that many people won’t be able to handle these movies. If you can’t handle these movies then just don’t go. Leave them be. That’s what Americans do- when they see previews for a movie they don’t want to see, they stay home. These two flicks are no exceptions.

I touched upon this topic a bit in my United 93 review a while back, but I would like to go deeper into the subject while I have the chance. Many of you out there believe that the time is not right for a 9/11 movie because the nation is still healing. I’m here to tell you right now- there is no healing to be done. Whether these films are made this Summer or twenty years from now, everyone will be taken back to that day like it was yesterday whenever its brought up. And for those who have lost loved ones in the attack, you know much better than I do that the pain you are feeling will pierce your heart until the day you die. Not to say that time doesn’t help, I’m sure it does. But a majority of the protestors aren’t protesting the films themselves, just the time period they’re being released in. Many argue that Hollywood should wait a few generations to make such pictures, like Saving Private Ryan and Pearl Harbor did. What is the point of this? If filmmakers today have the capability to make such pictures, why would people want them to wait and make it for future generations when they could make it for the generation that is most vulnerable to the subject? They have the means to make them for a generation that experienced this day firsthand, a group of millions that know what it felt like while it was happening. This is what filmmaking is all about. If technology had advanced far enough back in the early 50’s as it has today, you bet your sweet ass Hollywood would’ve cranked out Saving Private Ryan and Pearl Harbor and Schindler’s List. Not to mention the fact that within 5 years of WWII being over, numerous films were made about it. And I’m not even going to count how many Vietnam movies were made WHILE Vietnam was still going on. But since technology had not yet advanced enough, these films of the past just weren’t enough to cause the controversy these 9/11 films have been able to.

Another argument many protestors have is the fact that Hollywood is “cashing in” on 9/11. I completely disagree with this statement. People have to make a living, including filmmakers. Police officers, doctors, firemen, psychologists, etc. are all professionals that chose to help people for a living. Yet these people still have to make a LIVING… they still have to get paid. I’m sure the filmmakers and actors of these movies would love to make the flicks for free if they could, but sadly they cannot. So if Nicolas Cage wants to star in a 9/11 movie and do justice to a human being that was involved while getting a paycheck for it, I see nothing wrong with this. But these protestors are making it hard for all these people. They make them feel guilty when they shouldn’t be feeling guilty for anything. They work their asses off on these movies out of respect for the memories of those lost, and people out there are fucking protesting them??? How would all you painters out there feel if you made a painting of the twin towers on fire and galleries around the nation got into a bidding war for it. In the end you’re cut a nice fat check and you donate some of it to 9/11 charities but you take most of it home so you can EAT. Yet you can’t sleep at night because there’s a group of fucking protestors outside your apartment carrying signs. For everyone that believes in this argument, how about you go talk to the NYC fire and police departments and ask them why they still “paid” their employees while the crisis was still going on and shortly thereafter. People still have to make a living, folks. And I was astonished that many actors/crew members of these films have donated portions of their paycheck to 9/11 charities, yet people are still bitching about how they’re just cashing in on the disaster. Hell, United 93 even donated a large percentage of its profits to these organizations, and people still bitched. Not to mention both of these films have gotten 100% approval from all the family members of individuals in which the stories are based off of. Yet I still hear bitching.

The point of all this is if you don’t like the concept of Hollywood making movies out of the 9/11 events then GET THE FUCK OVER IT. The best you can do is stay at home during the films’ release. There’s no need to start a war here, especially since one is already going on overseas BECAUSE of 9/11. If the real life family members are kind enough to respect the films getting made, then the rest of us don’t have room to talk.