Friday, May 05, 2006
The Rant- Lay Off Sly!
THE RANT: LAY OFF SLY!
by Clint Fletcher
This is for all you Stallone haters out there. Lay the fuck off! So what if he wants to do Rocky 6 or Rambo 4? Sure, he’s old as shit, but does he really deserve all the bad press he’s been getting over the past six months? I mean, this is Judge fucking Dredd we’re talking about here! Sylvester Stallone was once the highest paid actor in Hollywood, and some of you bitches need to remember that and show the dude some respect.
About a month ago, a recent poll was taken on a popular website (so popular I forget the name). The poll question was this- which Stallone sequel are you most looking forward to? Sixty percent of people said “neither, Stallone is too old for either film and is embarrassing himself.” This infuriates me. Has anyone seen Stallone lately? Okay, so he’s pushing past sixty years old. But the man’s got the body of a 35 year-old. And many of you may say “but what about his face?” What about it? His face always looked like it got bashed in with a tire iron on one side, but it hasn’t changed since the first time we saw him. Matter of fact, he’s had that droopy face ever since he was born. In high school he was voted most likely to kill his classmates because he got teased so much. And the fun didn’t stop afterwards when he attended Forest Whitaker University. Because of this, Sly saw no choice but to cast himself as a stupid boxer in his own script. That way everyone would just think his character had previously gotten his face bashed in during a match. Plus Rocky is retarded, so others would think “well, he looks pretty normal for a retard.” But the point is this- against all ugly odds and terrible looks, Sly worked his way to the top and had a lot to show for it- just like Rocky. But sadly, as all action heroes do, Stallone has fallen hard in the past decade. He can now be found in the straight-to-DVD section next to Wesley Snipes. Wesley fucking Snipes, man! Sly doesn’t deserve to fall that low. Nobody does. Somebody catch him. I’ve felt his pain over the years and the man deserves a comeback.
For those of you that argue Sly is too old for a Rocky 6, I’d like to invite you to kiss my white ass. Even the man himself has a good argument- George Foreman came back past the age of sixty and regained the Heavyweight Championship Title. The fictional Rocky is younger than George Foreman. Plus Stallone is in great shape, so why couldn’t he come back? He can and he IS! And this time he has a new manager- Yours Truly. Check out the picture above for proof. In addition, there are more Rambo 4 protestors out there than anyone else and I ask you… why? Do you think its because Stallone would look ridiculous at his age sporting the Rambo costume, or lack there of? Of course he will! Rambo 4 will be the funniest comedy this side of Wedding Crashers, and it should be 100% made! It will almost be as funny as Indiana Jones 4! And when both films come out I’m sure someone will sell them both together for the “Grandpa Adventure Pack”.
In case I didn’t get my point across, Sly is the man and people need to shut the fuck up about his comeback. Let the man do his thing. I mean geez, he’s the creator of such classics as Demolition Man and Tango and Cash. And let’s not forget the greatest movie ever made- Over the Top. Stallone is a fucking legend and should be treated as such. For anyone that disagrees, feel free to line up and suck John J. Rambo’s big, long shlong because it will be the last thing you will ever choke on.