Sunday, May 14, 2006
by Clint Fletcher
Poor Poseidon. It had so much going for it. It had a talented cast, a powerhouse director and a huge budget (over $160 million) to work with. So what the hell went wrong? After viewing this flick, I now realize why the first three letters of the title are P-O-S.
At this point I could go on and on about why the movie blows. But truthfully, when it comes down to it the picture only had one terrible flaw- a shitty script. The action and special effects were great to look at and none of us really had any doubt with Wolfgang Petersen sinking the ship, seeing as how he did it quite skillfully in Das Boot and The Perfect Storm. With this said, Poseidon would’ve been a huge hit if it weren’t for those damn cheesy lines and even cheesier character development. In “Poseidon World”, all the survivors know each other by first name although none of them have ever met before. Each character is established with a background, but none of these aspects are put to use in regards to plot. Take for instance the fact that Kurt Russell’s character used to be a fireman, and yet whenever a fire emerges he looks as clueless as Tara Reid at a kindergarten Spelling Bee. Or perhaps you notice the annoying Hispanic chick Elena who was found lost, wandering about the cruise liner at the beginning of the picture, and yet hours later when she’s in peril she blurts lines like “I know this ship. Follow me.” Did Corky from Life Goes On write this script? What’s the fucking deal here, guys? Can’t you remember what you wrote five pages ago? There are plot holes bigger than Paris Hilton’s plot holes in this movie. And apparently Josh Lucas has super human strength, can fly, and is completely immune to fire. If I wanted to see a Superman movie I would wait until the actual damn Superman movie comes out next month. And I will. Bitch.
Just about every supposed “emotional” moment in this cheese-fest is ruined by dreadful writing that makes the writers of Days of Our Lives look Oscar-worthy. This gets my vote for the biggest waste of talent for the year. I’m a huge fan of Kurt Russell, but he’s absolutely lifeless here. I’m also a fan of Josh Lucas and I’m glad he still manages to find work, but pick some better scripts, dude. Stealth, The Hulk and Poseidon will get you nowhere in this lifetime except straight to B-movie hell. And I also must give props to the most cliché, Hollywood ending ever. If you’ve seen Armageddon (and everyone has), then you’ve seen this ending before. And what was with Richard Dreyfuss? He was supposed to be playing a gay old man but he wasn’t funny, he wasn’t all that gay, and for an old fart like him he somehow manages to survive situations that the younger people couldn’t even get out of. Whatever. He lost his opus a long time ago and hasn’t made a decent flick since. Okay okay, so a couple GOOD things about the movie. Emmy Rossum (The Day After Tomorrow, Phantom of the Opera) is absolutely adorable and so is the cute kid with gigantic teeth. All actors do a decent job, but they just didn’t have any good lines to work with. And the effects were incredible. Again, WP knows how to sink a boat. But perhaps my favorite guilty pleasure out of this puppy is actor Kevin Dillon (aka Johnny Drama from Entourage) who basically plays a drunken Johnny Drama here too. I love this dude and I hated to see that he wasn’t in the movie much. But when he was, it was a real treat. You rock, Drama!
In the end, Poseidon certainly wasn’t a terrible movie, but it wasn’t a good one either. This bland remake lands right in the middle-ground as many remakes do. I typically never say anything this cliché in my reviews but I just can’t resist- if you want real entertainment, go rent the original Poseidon Adventure. But if you enjoyed the second half of Titanic without all the lovey dovey stuff, Poseidon just may be what floats your boat. HAHAHAHA!!!