Short Takes- April 2007

SHORT TAKES- MAY 2007

TELEVISION

A television pilot is being created based on the Geico cave man commercials because the whole world is going to hell. It will undoubtedly bomb and cost the studios a lot of money. But hey, after Jesus rose from the dead and Wild Hogs became a $200 million hit, anything’s possible. In other news of bad television ideas, ABC is planning to air the pilot for their supposed Grey’s Anatomy spin-off (with Addison headlining) in May. The first hour will be Grey’s Anatomy and the second hour will feature Addison leaving to join another hospital staff including C-list actors Taye Diggs, Timothy Daly and Merrin Dungey with the best roles they'll ever be offered.

Moving on to hospital news we actually care about, numerous reports indicate that ER star Goran Visjnic (Luka Kovac) will be leaving at the end of this season. Though rumors claim the producers will have him back for a few episodes next season to resolve his current plotline with Maura Tierney. Much like Noah Wyle and Julianna Margulies, we wish you the best of luck in straight-to-video land, Goran.

Fear Factor host and unfunny comedian Joe Rogan called out Carlos Mencia at a comedy club on stage a few weeks ago. The topic: Mencia stealing material from other comedians. According to Rogan and a handful of other comedians including George Lopez, Mencia has been stealing bits from other people’s acts for years. Rogan even went as far as to say (on his website which also includes video evidence) that comedians have a secret sign they use to warn each other of Mencia being in the audience during their shows. All of this information would be a whole lot more interesting if Joe Rogan were actually funny.

After over a month of agonizing scrutiny, the autopsy results of Anna Nicole Smith were finally concluded and she died of… drug overdose. NO FUCKING SHIT! Did an autopsy even need to be done? There were so many drugs in that chick you could still get high off her cremated ashes. Now, can we finally move on to something more important? Like the Iraqi war or the Britney Spears divorce?

MUSIC
Marie Osmond is getting divorced from her husband, and I’m shocked that this even made news headlines. Didn’t know you were still alive there, Marie. Say hello to Donny for me. We all know you dumped your husband for him. Apparently incest is the way to go these days for a career boost.

Snoop Dogg was denied a Visa to England because the country doesn’t like his image. He was planning to tour for the next two weeks abroad with a team of musicians, but was not allowed access into the country. This probably had to do with the fact that he was armed with multiple 9mms and smoking a joint when stepping off the plane. Just an assumption.

Justin Timberlake blames celebrity magazines for turning his personal life into juicy gossip. "I despise what they do," the 26-year-old singer tells Details magazine in an interview in its April issue. "They create soap operas out of people's lives. ... It's a spin game, and I choose not to take part in it." Except… you are… taking… part… in it… by… talking… about it.. Once a musician, always a retard. Speaking of which, Kevin Federline gets $1 million out of divorce settlement from Britney despite signing a pre-nup that said he would be getting far less. Because this is America dammit, and in America- lowlife, white trash, poser rappers can just fail upwards by sitting on the couch all day.



MOVIES
Burger King is looking toward the silver screen as they combine with a major studio to produce a live-action feature film on the uncomfortably creepy plastic King from the commercials. This just in- there is no God. Moving on. A stand-alone film entitled “Machete” is already in the works based on a fake trailer featured in between the two Grindhouse flicks opening this weekend. This is because nothing is more entertaining than Danny Trejo slashing countless extras and banging numerous hookers in the process.

Major studios have been battling for the rights to “Forrest Gump 2: Keep Fucking Running God Dammit” for years now, and apparently the rights have finally been secured and the sequel is moving forward. No word yet on whether or not Tom Hanks or his mullet will return, but word on the street says the book sequel is actually pretty decent. I’ve lost all faith in Hanks and my own life after this year’s monster disaster “The Da Vinci Code” and I’m probably going to cry about it later.

In other news of the completely unnecessary, a remake of Escape From New York is in the works, with Gerard Butler (300) starring and Neal Moritz (Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift, Stealth) producing. This has apparently infuriated Kurt Russell who doesn’t want his Snake Plissken legacy fucked with… and neither do we. Michael Bay’s Summer epic Transformers was given an R-rating, probably for “Ridiculous, Robotic Violence.” But executive producer Steven Spielberg owns the MPAA (they’re all Jewish and he made Schindler’s List bitch) and told them to change the flick back to a PG-13. They obeyed their master immediately.

Well guys, its been fun! Catch everyone on the flip side.