Short Takes- December 2006

SHORT TAKES- DECEMBER 2006
By Clint Fletcher

TELEVISION

Michael Richards is a racist, but apparently that’s the way to go. His star has never shined brighter, even during his Seinfeld days. I really hope Frasier calls a Mexican a “wet back” soon so people will pay attention to him again. Not to mention Mel Gibson is still out there fussing about the Jews because of course, his movie is coming out this week. What timing these bigots have.

Danny DeVito gets drunk and goes on The View. He spends most of his time bashing Bush, and has the audacity to skip over Barbara Walters being older than Jesus, and Rosie O’Donnell being an obnoxious cow. Shame on you, Danny. Though granted if I looked like Danny DeVito and haven’t made a good movie in a decade, I would be drunk 24 hours a day.

Prison Break actor Lane Garrison (Tweener) was involved in a car accident in LA which resulted in the death of a 17 year-old boy. While early reports indicate alcohol was to blame, Garrison shows no signs of worry, for if he gets sent to jail Michael Scofield will soon break him out. In other tragic news, The OC actors Adam Brody and Rachel Bilson have officially split. Neither actor has commented about the reasons behind the break-up, but the public has a pretty good indication that the cancellation of their show had something do with it. What’s that? The OC is still on???

NBC’s Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip has just been picked up for a full season. Why? Because it’s a damn good show, that’s why. If you haven’t tuned in yet, you’re simply going to hell. Monday nights at 9pm after Heroes. Be there.

MUSIC

Amid reports that they had the healthiest marriage imaginable, Britney Spears and Kevin Federline called it quits earlier this month. Miraculously, within 48 hours Spears lost 200 pounds and appeared on The Late Show to show off her new bod. Since then she’s been flashing her beaver all over town with Paris Hilton. Do all these stupid whores have the same publicist? First Hilton, then Lohan, now Spears? Whenever they’re not front page news anymore they open their lips when no one asked them to. I know what genital herpes looks like, thank you.

Speaking of STDs, after just four months of marriage, Pam Anderson has filed for divorce from Kid Rock placing the couple in the “No Shit, Sherlock” category. In other depressing news, despite reports that Keith Urban is out of rehab, it turns out he’s still a junkie after all. While photographers caught glimpses of Urban and wife Nicole Kidman eating lunch, apparently they were just taking a break from “Hollywood Rehab” where people can leave whenever they want to go have a drink or score some more drugs. All of this is in violation of a pre-nup contract Kidman had Urban sign that says if he ever goes back to rehab, she’s entitled to everything. She needs to divorce him, get depressed again and win another Oscar. Surely that will make her feel better.

MOVIES

According to Frank Darabont, Indiana Jones 4 will probably never happen thanks to the Almighty George Lucas, who didn’t like Darabont’s script despite Steven Spielberg praising it. All of us film geeks have been under the impression that the film was being re-written under a new writer, but during an interview with Darabont earlier this month he claims that Spielberg and Lucas will probably never reach an agreement. Hmm. Saving Private Ryan or Attack of the Clones? You decide.

In other bad sequel news, Eddie Murphy is going ahead with plans to make a Beverly Hills Cop 4. No word yet on whether any of the animals in the movie will talk. Beverly Hills Cop 4 will be rated G and probably produced by Disney. Whenever Wesley Snipes returns to the US he will be going to jail. According to a federal judge, Snipes is hereby ordered to turn himself in for tax fraud. The judge also claimed that if Snipes returns and does not turn himself in, Tommy Lee Jones will be unleashed to hunt him down.

Legendary director Robert Altman died last week. There’s no joke here, this just makes me sad.

A judge has sentenced a young man to jail for movie piracy. The man, who three years ago recorded the movie The Core with a camcorder inside a theater, will spend seven years in prison making this the harshest punishment ever for movie piracy. In a statement released by the judge: “He recorded The Core. That’s the shittiest movie anyone could have ever picked and he’s going to jail for it.”

The Holiday

THE HOLIDAY
by Clint Fletcher

There is only one filmmaker out there today that has the ability to repeatedly churn out decent chick flicks. Her name is Nancy Meyers. And not only has she written flicks like Private Benjamin, Baby Boom and Father of the Bride, she’s also the girl behind the camera for What Women Want and Something’s Gotta Give. Meyers is also known for high budgets, glamorous set pieces and recruiting A-list stars. But sadly, The Holiday is Meyers’ weakest movie to date.

The Holiday is a classic example of giving a filmmaker way too much power and money. This flick reportedly cost about $90 million, probably thanks to 4 A-list stars. However, the movie’s weaknesses don’t lie with the stars, it lies with the story. This seemingly simple plot-line could’ve been played out in about 90 minutes, but instead its stretched severely to 2 and a half hours of mostly sheer nonsense. On top of this, the screenplay follows no structure whatsoever. In plain terms- its all over the place. The movie doesn’t know where to go so it goes everywhere, in all different directions. First, we have an attractive movie trailer editor (Cameron Diaz) that swaps houses with an English journalist (Kate Winslet) over Christmas break. Both women are running away from heartache in search of a new beginning. Then enter the men. Diaz falls for Winslet’s brother in England (Jude Law) while Winslet falls for one of Diaz’s friends back in LA (saving grace Jack Black). While it would seem wise to bounce back and forth between both story lines, Meyers pays no attention to balance, spending 30 minutes on one couple, 10 on the other, 40 back on the other, so on and so forth.

Unfortunately, an enormous amount of time is spent on the least interesting couple- Diaz and Law. There was nothing remotely interesting about either of these characters excluding the fact that they’re cute to look at. I don’t mind either actors, except that Diaz sometimes comes off as an annoying ditz and no matter what character Law is playing, he comes off as an arrogant prick (as he is in reality) even if he’s portraying a selfless person. But the real spark of the movie is Kate Winslet and Jack Black. Winslet can out-act any actress in Hollywood today, and Black is the only person that puts the “comedy” in this so-called “romantic comedy.” Without these two, the movie would be completely lifeless. Sadly, their performances only bring the movie to a sub-par level.

The Holiday isn’t Christmasy enough to be considered for the holidays or funny enough to be considered a romantic comedy. Its far too long with too many pointless sub-plots (what did the old screenwriter dude have to do with this story???). I would compare it to a Christmas turkey (no pun intended)… the fat needs to be trimmed and the middle needs to be stuffed with some humorous goodness. Save for Winslet and Black, The Holiday should be reserved for next year on home video.